I'm Gonna Be the One (Who Always Puts You First)
by Laura Roslin
Summary: Alex managed to keep it all together while she was being controlled by Non, and later, when Kara was flying into space to save the world, so when she finally has a chance to try to process things, it all comes crashing down on her.


All in all, Alex thought she should be commended for holding it together as long as she had. Really, there should be a cookie or a pat on the back headed her way. Too many things had happened in the last twenty-four hours; she could feel the imminent collapse bearing down on her now that she had a few moments to herself. She fumbled in her pocked for her keys. It took her longer than she would admit to to open her apartment door and step inside. Alex nudged the door shut behind her and shuffled over to the couch, stumbling over a pair of shoes and banging her shin on the coffee table along the way. "Mother of dragons!" she swore, then berated herself for not using the real words, especially since Kara wasn't even there to chastise her for her language.

Alex closed her eyes and pressed her index finger firmly against her glabella, expelling a deep shuddering breath as she sank down onto the sofa and tried to relax muscles that had been tensed for far too long. She leaned her head against the back of the couch and breathed in for a count of four, then out for a count of four, a breathing exercise Kara had utilized when she first arrived on Earth, to help her when she was overwhelmed. A tear trickled down Alex's cheek, then another. Alex blew her next breath out harshly, and pushed the palms of her hands against her eyes.

"She's okay," Alex whispered, blowing out a quick breath, out of rhythm. "She's okay, she's safe, you got her." A tremor ran through her body as more tears leaked out from under her hands. Alex gritted her teeth and ground her palms forcefully into her eyes. Her chest somehow felt full, and like it would cave in at any moment. "Kara's okay," she said shakily, her hands dropping to her lap. Her body shook as she drew another breath. Alex blinked and dashed her arm across her eyes, only to have them immediately blur again. "Kara's safe," she whispered, pressing her forearm against her mouth to stifle a heaving sob.

 _She's alive, she's alive, she's alive,_ Alex chanted softly in her head, squeezing her eyes shut tightly enough to see gold and blue stars on the back of her eyelids. _She's alive, you didn't kill her, you wanted to, but it wasn't you._ Alex's shoulders shook as a small cry ripped itself out of her body. She bit down on her arm and breathed in sharply through her nose. A hand settled on her shoulder. Alex jerked away violently, even as her brain recognized Kara sitting next to her.

"Hey, c'mere," Kara said softly. She wrapped her hand loosely around Alex's wrist and gently pulled her arm away from her mouth. Kara laced her fingers through Alex's, bringing their joined hands to rest on her thigh. Her thumb brushed against the underside of Alex's wrist. Alex breathed in deeply through her nose, turning her face away from Kara. "Hey, look at me," Kara whispered. Alex tilted her head back, her eyes shiny wet. "I'm okay," Kara murmured, setting her free hand on Alex's knee. "I'm safe. You saved me," she said, gazing at Alex in adoration.

Alex shook her head and looked away. "I almost killed you," she whispered roughly.

"That wasn't you," Kara said strongly, squeezing Alex's hand. "That was Non, you couldn't help it."

"But you could've died," Alex said angrily, pulling her hand away from Kara and pushing herself up abruptly from the couch. She stared down at Kara, her eyes welling again. "You could've died and it wouldn't matter whose fault it was because I wouldn't be able to live with myself." Alex sank to her knees in front of Kara, the coffee table digging into the small of her back. "Do you know that? Do you understand? I can't live without you," she whispered, laying her head down in Kara's lap.

"Alex," Kara breathed. Her hand sifted through Alex's dark hair and scratched comfortingly at the back of her neck.

Alex's body trembled. "I wanted to be selfish," Alex whispered lowly, ashamedly. "I wanted you to be selfish and not sacrifice yourself. I wanted you to live."

Alex could feel Kara's denial before it even made its way out of her mouth. "You know I couldn't do that," she murmured, stroking the back of Alex's neck.

Alex raised her head and sat back on her heels, steadying herself with a hand on each of Kara's legs. "I know you couldn't," she said fondly. "You're the best of us." Alex squeezed Kara's knee. "But Kara, I will always choose you. I would let the world burn to save you."

Kara shook her head. "Alex, I've seen that. No one is worth that."

Alex stared at her steadily. "You are, to me."

Kara swallowed hard. "C'mere," she said tremulously, settling her hands on Alex's arms and pulling her up until she straddled Kara. Kara let her forehead rest in the curve of Alex's neck.

Alex pressed her lips to the top of Kara's head. "You always put everyone else first," Alex murmured, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Kara's ear. "It's one of the many things I love about you." She put a finger under Kara's chin and tilted it up. "But I'm gonna be the one who always puts you first, okay?" Alex leaned forward slightly and gently pressed her lips against Kara's.

Kara pulled away moments later, breathing heavy. She gazed up at Alex, eyes bright, biting her bottom lip. She nodded slightly. "Okay."


End file.
